


Wheat

by applesfororanges



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Childhood Trauma, Cults, Eventual Romance, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Mildly Dubious Consent, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:53:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26717065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/applesfororanges/pseuds/applesfororanges
Summary: Meenah and Kankri are born into a cult. After their partnership and several years of marriage, Kankri realizes that it may be time to escape once secrets are brought to light.
Relationships: Meenah Peixes & Kankri Vantas, Meenah Peixes/Kankri Vantas
Comments: 3
Kudos: 15





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I've really wanted to write something with Meenah and Kankri for a long time! This is a cult au around using the lore of Lord English in a religious context. Please let me know if I should tag anything else! [let me know also if you'd like the quirks back]

The summer sun shone down as harsh as the stifling atmosphere encompassing the surrounding miles. The wind cut through the heat like a blade and caressed her auburn skin like silk. Meenah stood motionless in the waving wheat wishing to tumble alongside its gathering stalks nearby. Her stare had no home but nevertheless looked outward to what could be, freedom, and what that could mean. Crisp footsteps treading over her previous path snap her out of the trance. A tinge of uncertainty that disguised as fear before Meenah turned to put a face to the noise.  
It was Kankri, who was dragging a hose through the lines of wheat to spray down their roots. He was already a little out of breath, but when he looked to Meenah, he closed his eyes briefly and gave a polite nod of his head. 

“My love.” It was the standard introduction shared between husbands and wives, but Kankri didn't inject much warmth into it. “Are you checking for pests? I've already done a round, but if you want to help me, you could keep the hose straight while I water the plants.” 

His voice was never anything distinctive. A hum among the many thoughts that already had been extinguished and hosed down. When Meenah's hollow gaze briefly meets his, she opens her mouth to speak but soon shuts it. There are some mannerisms that cannot completely be washed out. 

“I will.” The wheat catches on her long white dress as she goes to take the hose behind him, and she pays no mind to the sharper new grass cutting at her ankles.

“how are you? I pray you're fine.”

“You've been praying more recently, I've noticed.”

Kankri's tone is similarly measured as he walks up the row, and then he lifts the hose so that he can go back down the next one.

“Have you had any revelations? I'd be interested to hear about your thoughts on yesterday's evening sermon. It's been informing my prayers all day today.”

She's barefooted but doesn't alert him. The earth beneath her feet is what grounded her, a kind of irregularity that dipped her out of the mind numbing madness. She had been lucky to be paired with someone who knew her from childhood thus humoring those habits that many would take offense. Meenah continued down the rows behind him.

“Yes” Her beginning words are confident but as she speaks they fizzle off.  
“ i am meant for greatness and if i believe in his righteousness i will never suffer”

Kankri looked to her for a moment, parted his lips like he intended to say something...and then he fell quiet, resuming his watering. They went like that, in complete silence, and though Kankri occasionally glanced towards Meenah, he always ended up focusing his attention back on the plants. People had started telling him in no uncertain terms that they were praying for a sacred child borne from the two of them. It'd been weighing him down.

“And when have either of us ever suffered before?”  
“I'm glad that we've had our faith and each other to help us through our issues.”

His antecedent remark caught her ears in the zest of vocal suggestion, maybe sarcastic, a personal cadence that she'd once heard perhaps in her dreams. Meenah blinked away the sunlight staining her eyesight with glittering dots and speckles. The wind picked up. White dress clung to her stomach highlighted the failure that she felt, or was programmed to be feeling by the cult elders. It was all her fault. She hadn't prayed hard enough, loved sincerely enough, given herself until there was nothing to give. She unknowingly held her breath and gasped.

“Yes”  
“ i'm sorry for the trouble”

“You haven't troubled me, Meenah. Even when we were married, when some brides were beside themselves with anxiety, you were nothing but peaceful. Your tranquility is the most beautiful thing about you, my love.”

And up the next row. Kankri seemed to have no issue with the monotonous pastime. Moments like these were always his favorite.  
“Do you want me to take care of dinner tonight?”

Time escaped her but that was nothing new. The sun started to hide in the blanket of the countryside horizon. Cool temperatures littered her skin with goose flesh and the last inkling of humanity hanging by a thread kept her close to her husband's side. He wasn't a burly and rugged wall. A wild creature could take him down effortlessly in strength, but his wits outmatched any. Their shoulders brushed.

“I can do dinner,” She replied.  
“it's my job to prepare a meal for your tired hands”

Recited right from the leader's passages.

Kankri turned his head, rested a hose-dampened palm against Meenah's cheek, and gave her lower lip a chaste kiss, his eyes falling closed for a moment. And then, just like that, he resumed his watering. “Please, go ahead without me. I'll meet you inside once I've watered everything and fed the cats, okay? Do you want me to bring in anything from the silo, too??”  
Kankri wasn't exactly strong, but he was a man, wasn't he? Lifting things for his woman was part of his job.

Whenever they kissed it never registered into her as affection but an action that was done between married folk. She kept her eyes open while his shut and watched the scene play, and the dry touch of his mouth on her chapped lips.

“I'm fine”  
Meenah nodded and at once detached from the hose and turned away from him to make the trek back to their cottage house. While he finished up the day's work the modest accouterments calmed her frayed nerves out of numbness, pointless knick knacks and things kept her eyes busy. Not yet passing the threshold of the door without rinsing her feet off with the hoses' run off.  
Dinner and the like were her favorite things to occupy herself with, ironically the kitchen was where she felt safe. The nearest weapon she had was a knife and she dwells little on it as the meal was set out on the table.

“kankri?”

Kankri stepped in after another fifteen minutes, breath coming in heavy huffs as he ran a hand through his sweaty hair and leaned against the doorframe. Being with Meenah was nice, in some ways - she didn't exactly love to engage in more physical types of prayer, either, which meant that they could both appreciate one another's company without the discomfort of hands sliding on skin - eugh!

“You've always been so good to me, Meenah. I'll take care of the cleaning afterwards, okay?”

He never missed an hour without a humbling compliment. Though she now in her adult age couldn't discern the intent behind his kind words beyond surface level thought. She sighed and sat down, as she was waiting for his return before they both could partake. A nice beef stew, simple and hearty.

“youve been working the wheat”

“cleanin isnt hard for me to do”  
Was that a little tiredness to her voice or were her eyes accidentally laying on his sweaty face with amusement, or contempt.

“No, but it's not hard for me, either. I thought I'd mentioned that dishes are my favorite part of dinner - other than your cooking, of course.” Kankri sank down and served himself a steaming bowl, and then he served his wife afterwards, giving her her bowl and offering both of his hands to her. “Let us pray.”

Each time prayer sends a rush of panic throughout her core and fills her veins with the inclination to jump out of her skin. In real time she doesn't pause, but in her mind the visibility of his palms are like bear traps. Meenah lays her hands into them and bows her head, eyes shut as she beautifully encompasses the daily prayer.

She paused. 

“if you want to do the dishes i won't deny you my love”

Meenah relaxed at the table if only an inch and let herself eat, and not pick at her food anxiously for those watching to glance elsewhere. She takes big bites that take the entire space of her mouth and drinks her water until the glass empties.  
The stew was as delicious as always. Some of Kankri's fellow men had mentioned Meenah's cooking favorably - never so far as to express envy, mind, just to acknowledge it appreciatively. Envy was a dirty emotion, and one that Kankri had learned to avoid.

“This evening, I might paint for a while. Do you mind having the bed to yourself until later tonight? I'll be quiet coming in, until we can try again”  
Ugh. Kankri hated that fucking bed, because that bed represented the worst, most awkward part of this already-awkward marriage.  
Even mention of the night's innocuous ritual soured Meenah's stomach in response.  
her face didn't spark any excitement or anticipation but she did look forward to having a room to herself, some humble solitude. As he decided on dishes, Meenah gathered herself free time, and idle minds were not good for fruitful young women as her mother bore into her skull. in their shared bed she sat at its edge, cloaked in darkness and let her mind run laps like a caged kitten. she mumbled,  
“how much longer do i gotta go on like this”

“no im good im a good woman and i pray everyday”

“everythins fine”

“everythins fine”

“im fine”

Her fists were clenched till her knuckles were snow white.

There was the quiet hiss of a sink with weak water pressure, and then the clink-clink of dishes as Kankri scrubbed and dried them. It only took about five minutes - cleaning up for two wasn't that big of a deal - and then he took his cheap acrylic paints and settled down to try and do yet another painting of the same wheat field from the same window. Usually, it was therapeutic, doing stroke after stroke, but...nothing was working for him, and as the sun lowered and bathed the little living room in orange light, Kankri finally stood up with his little canvas and walked over to the bedroom door, giving it a couple knocks.

“...My love, are you decent in here?”

Meenah perfected gasping in silence. She hated how his gentle tone shocked her. It was the habitual retelling that she had to hide herself once more. She took a breath and sat ups straighter, and smoothed out the white dress over her knees.

“yes my love”


	2. Chapter 2

He stepped inside, his canvas under one arm, and glanced behind himself like he expected someone to be looking over his shoulder.  
“ ...I know we need to try again tonight. I've been thinking of the Lord every second that we've been apart.”  
“I know that this challenge is going to bring us all closer together as a family. You, me, and our child.”  
“Maybe…”  
“Maybe we could wait, though.”  
He lifted his canvas to show a half-completed painting.  
“The lighting isn't going to be this good for long. During autumn, the evening sky always shines through our bedroom window nicely, don't you think?”

“I was wondering, unless you're busy, if you'd be okay with…”  
Kankri's throat bobs.  
“being a subject.”  
“For my painting”

“...”  
There is nothing in her preconceived dialogues that could work as an amiable response. Was he trying to set her up? Had he been brought before the congregation to privately test her. Meenah's smile quivered and her leg bounced unknowingly.  
“the lord never waits” She starts.  
“i am-”  
“always ready and willing”  
“however if you insist i be your subject”  
“i wont deny you”

Kankri seemed to wince at her tone of voice. What if she said something to one of the elders about this? They weren't doing anything wrong - it wasn't against any rule to paint a woman - but doing it in their bedroom still had a salacious undercurrent. It was just close enough to pornography that it was risque.  
“You can lay back and get comfortable, if you want.”

“no-”  
She wanted to avoid that activity for as long as possible. The look she accidentally threw into his court was apprehensive and tired then averted down to her feet.  
“ i enjoy the talents the lord gifted you with”  
“you may paint me”

“Find a position you don't mind staying in, my love. I'll try to be quick.”  
Kankri awkwardly balanced his weird easel on the table by the bed, resting his canvas on his knee.

This was the first time she experienced this level of intimacy in the seclusion of their bedded space. She sat quiet and still with her face not directly forward for modesty sake. A new activity was implemented into the space that her mind could wring around when it was time to rest. Her shoulders relaxed and with it her usually clenched jaw.  
Kankri looked at her, and for a moment, he saw someone he'd never seen before. He shook it off quickly, whatever that feeling was, and started painting. The curve of her face, the way that her smooth, dark skin contrasted with the dingy white of her dress. Meenah loved the feeling of dirt under her bare feet. Kankri couldn't fathom why, but he tried, really tried, to get the beige stains on the lower hem of Meenah's dress.

Her braids, so tight that he could see the tension in her scalp. Her hands, held carefully still - Kankri still remembered having his knuckles hit with a stick whenever he dared to fidget. Her eyes, catching the evening light and almost glowing...

By the time that the sun had set too far, he set aside his paintbrush and looked down at his handiwork.

“...”  
“oh.”  
“Oh, dear.”  
“Meenah, it's…”  
“Thank you for being my model.”

“anything you request of me, my love”  
Now Meenah was prepared to look at him and cast away the spell that waved over them like tales of the sea. And just like her curious mind she dared inquire about the painting and how she looked in it. In the past she'd been horribly chastised for dabbling in vanity. So far removed she was from a traditional mirror at times she could only get a glimpse from puddles and the glint of glass.

“is everything all right?”  
Her husband worried and fretted over the smallest things that the elders praised as careful nature, yes he was kind and attentive. But it too raised her anxieties and naturally wondered what exactly he was in tuned to that she wasn't. Beyond the curve of her glasses her eyes searched his face.

“of course, my love, it's just...I'm not that experienced when it comes to painting anything other than fields of wheat.”  
Kankri's throat bobs with an awkward gulp, and he dares to reveal the painting to Meenah. There's really no way to put this kindly: it looks like absolute shit. Her face is a childish peanut shape, her neck is too short and off-center, one arm looks so much larger than the other, for some reason, and her glasses are these thick, dark circles that make her look sort of like a child's rendition of a raccoon or leopard. Kankri's attempts at giving the bedroom an orange glow just make it seem like someone squirted ketchup and mustard onto one half of Meenah's body. It's just an awful fucking painting.

“What was that you were saying, about the Lord gifting me with talent?”  
“Maybe you'd like to take it back.”

No air could pass into her lungs. Meenah was stunned by all angles. Of course he knew what she basically looked like, but in combination with his demeanor and the ghastly   
portrait before her there was only one thing she could do.

“)(A)(A)(AA)(A)(A-E)(-E)(-E-EA)(A)(A-E)(-E  
-E)(-E)(-E)(-EA)(A)(-E)(-E  
A)(A)(A)(A)(-E)(-E)(-E  
)(-E)()(A!!”

“haha…”

“ha..”  
Barreling laughter. Like oak cask whisky as it drunken the room and lifted her voice into fits of elated joy. Her arms crossed around her stomach to hold herself steady and once the emotion passed she pinched her lips together and breathed through her nose.  
“...forgive me”

There was tension in the room, thick and heavy, as Kankri was convinced that Meenah would take offense at his awful piece, his heart pounding in his chest...but as soon as the dam was broken, Kankri snorted, too, and gasped, his laugh awkward and squeaky. Entirely unbecoming of a man. His grip went loose on the canvas, and he accidentally let it go. The painting tilted forward and fell onto his white shirt, smearing a Meenah-shaped stain on the fabric before it fell, face-down, on the wooden floor. Kankri looked down at himself, and...

“Pfffffhahahah, Meenah, it's you.”

“you're making SUC)( a mess!”  
Her replies too were laced with laughter still as he too shared in the glee. She didn't want to think about the stain or the paint sinking into their varnished wood flooring, which shouldn't be too difficult to clean. Meenah thought in the midst of their shared moment, had she heard him laugh? Ever? She stood slowly and moved towards him unbuttoning his shirt to handle the paint.*

“my love you're a f-... a mess”  
“it is me isn't it?”  
“do i look good on you?”

Kankri shares the briefest smile with her, crooked and awkward, and reaches up to loosen her cotton bonnet. Some of the elders have silk caps, but it's a little bit too vain for a young woman like Meenah, even despite her high-ranking lineage. He looks down at his shirt again, and for whatever reason, he doesn't want to recoil so much when Meenah's warm fingers brush his bare, fuzzy chest.

“I think you might suit me.”  
“What do you think?”  
“I'm sure the paint will wash out, but I'm sorry for giving you another chore, Meenah.”

His body was nothing new to her, and being so close was nothing new either-- but Meenah didn't stop herself from letting her fingers wander and delight in taking the clothing off. She balls the shirt in a way that the paint didn't cause further issue on herself or the chair she tossed it onto. To herself, before sleep she'd attend to it to numb her mind.  
He was the one to remove the bonnet and she'd place it back in the morning, as tradition set by the community. It chafed at her ears and if she didn't pay attention, tying it too tight gave her headaches in the afternoon. Kankri's compliment actually managed to slip into her thoughts rather than fade off into the sea of many. Her face felt uncomfortably warm.*

“id hope”  
“i am your wife after all”

“I'm sorry for doing you such a disservice, Meenah. Maybe you'll let me paint you again sometime and I'll try to do better?”   
Kankri gave her a chaste little kiss on the cheek, standing and wrapping arms around her to unfasten the buttons on her dress.

Because of the painting she didn't notice that his shaving wasn't done, the scruff of his chin on her cheek seasoned the already flavorful evening. Like adding salt to porridge. The white linen adjacent fabric slid off her shoulders and waist into a delicate puddle at her feet. Undergarments were never flattering but they loosely held up to hide her inappropriate parts. Meenah returned the kiss to his cheek.  
“i got a good laugh out of it”  
“i pray your skills will multiply”

“I don't think I've ever heard you laugh before, Meenah.”  
Kankri rested his hands on her hips, guiding them both back towards the bed so that he could fall onto the mattress and get to work wriggling out of his pants.  
“Should we just get to sleep?”

Those hands were warmer today, lke the sun had charged him to capacity and she could feel it's rays radiate along her skin. But, fear reared its head through the grates of her mind that she couldn’t enjoy it.  
“are you suggesting something”

The bed cradled her as it always had but her choice was trapped between a rock and a sharp place. Meenah searched the room for any and everything that may have been a sign to the strange evening, but found nothing aside from dabbles of paint. If the elders were to ask of their efforts and she was caught in a lie, and how badly she was at lying,- she didn't dwell on it.  
“my love, are we not to try for a child this evening?”

“...Right, of course.”  
“We need to.”  
“Shall we pray first?”  
Kankri reached his hands out so that he could interlock fingers with Meenah's, even though his throat felt dry and nervous

At the very least the feeling was mutual. Her blunt fingertips sunk into the pockets of flesh between his knuckles as their prayer muffled on their lips. It wasn't something she wanted to do and certainly didn't look forward to, even if the night partially eased her tension.

“...”

“kankri”

“Yes, my love?”  
Kankri could feel the tension between them. This was entirely his fault, and he knew it. What sort of man couldn't even get erect?

“if our trials remain fruitless i wouldn't be upset if you found a new-”On the other side of the coin, she didn't feel much of anything gathering at her inner thighs. Meenah sighed and disregarded her words.

“No.”  
Kankri cut her off, just like that, and shook his head.

“No, Meenah, you've never been the issue. This isn't your fault.”  
“Please, please don't blame yourself for my shortcomings.”  
“I know we're both believing.”  
“We're both praying.”  
“...”  
“We'll figure it out, okay? Together.”

His stern voice startled her. Nothing too loud as a shout but enough to wrap her attention and her pulse picked up along with it. This was the first time she'd heard from anyone subvert what was cemented deep into her processes, years of it. The way she breathed resembled that she may cry, no tears or crying happened thankfully.

“im-”  
If she could, she pressed her thighs together and swallowed.  
“i didn't mean to upset you my love”

He shook his head, eyes wide, and withdrew a little.  
“of course you didn't upset me, Meenah. You never have before.”  
“Maybe we should take a break. I don't...I don't think that we'll have any fortune with this if we're weighed down by apprehension.”  
“Do you want to...talk about it? We can keep it between a husband and wife.”  
“I've never told anyone what happens behind our closed door.”

“we- we have to or”  
Meenah didn't mean to sound so panicked. She stole herself some restraint and calming breaths before knitting her brows.  
“do you promise?”  
“on your life, my love?”

“I promise.”

“I promise, Meenah, and you can call me a liar if I tell anyone.”

“okay?”  
Kankri pressed a kiss to the tip of Meenah's nose.  
“Talk to me, my love. I want to hear your thoughts so that we can figure out how to make this work.”  
“It feels...uncomfortable, thinking that there's a third entity in bed with us.”  
“Even if it's the Lord.”

Her throat felt clogged like a kinked hose ready to sputter with what was hulled up in her heart. Her bottom lip quivered as she found the words to speak.  
“im scared”

“i-i”  
“dont want to be punished for not”  
“for not giving what they want”  
“this is between us and the lord”  
“...”  
“i cant feel anythin anymore besides the dirt on my feet”  
“but im a good woman”  
“im thankful for the place im in”  
“i shouldnt complain...”  
“dont remember the last time i felt good”

“...”  
“Me neither, Meenah.”  
“I don't think I've ever felt really happy.”

She whispered.  
“really?”

Kankri smiled a little sadly.  
“I'm sorry. I don't want you to think that you don't matter, my love. Of course you're important to me, and you make me feel more at home than anyone else ever has.”  
“...Please don't tell the elders. I'm nothing but faithful to the Lord.”

Her lashes lowered.  
“as you said”  
“this stays between us kankri”  
“my feelings aren't hurt i know what situation were in”  
“my love”  
“what will we tell them in the morning?”

“We'll tell them that we tried, and that we feel like this is going to be the time that it works.”  
“We don't have to try tonight, if you don't want to.”  
“I - you're beautiful, Meenah, but I don't think I want to.”

“me neither”  
“While we’re being honest”  
“its not much of a pleasurable time”

“No, that's entirely my fault.”  
“I'm sorry that I can't...I don't want you to think you aren't attractive. You are, it's just -”  
“Lust is such a sin, and even though we have to, it's hard to perform under this pressure.”

“the pressure to have me with child...or somethin else?”  
“you arent the type of man to fawn for pretty faces” She lets herself have a vain moment and humble a chuckle.  
“theres nothin between us is there?”  
“besides the lord”

“There's no hard feelings between us, if that's what you're asking.”There's not many soft feelings, either.

“you dont love me my love”  
“and thats fine”  
“im not sure if i love you either”

Kankri huffs a sigh of relief, releasing Meenah's hands so that he can slide his tired palms down his face.

“I'd been hoping to hear that from you.  
“I think you're a wonderful woman, but I don't...I don't think, necessarily, that this is what the Lord wants of us?”

Even saying that was heresy.

“kankri”  
“i know this is our sacred place but-”  
“be quiet”  
“i will NOT be dragged with you if you falter”  
Meenah for once had a commanding voice, brows tilted down compared to her submissive assertion. She looked around the room once more.

“You're right.”  
“Thank you, Meenah.”  
“You always know how to give me clarity.”  
“I've never once questioned your conviction - please, please don't question mine.”

“what have i given you to convict, husband?”  
“you barely know me”  
More and more of her primed exterior faded and her face finally allowed itself to contort. Perhaps even roll her eyes.  
“theres a lot riding on this child”  
“we don't have to be in love”  
“once its over and done we can live out our days quietly”

Kankri sighed out through his nostrils.  
“You're right as always, Meenah.”  
“Here, roll onto your back. I'll try my best.”

“uh”  
“we dont have to” She looked away. “i know we have to”

“...”  
“May I try something?”

“...yes”  
Said apprehensively and her eye path was cautious.

Kankri reached out and slid his hand over Meenah's stomach, to her hip, and gave a squeeze. He wasn't rolling on top of her for a round of uncomfortable, dry sex. He was just...touching.  
She wasn't expecting to be touched and her stomach tensed slightly, that feeling from before-- warmth --started to defuse from where he grabbed. Meenah watched him curiously and stretched out one of her legs.

“what are you..?”

“If this is what we're meant to be, we should at least not be strangers to one another.”  
“...Is that okay?”  
“You can touch me, too, if you want.”  
“I'll tell you if I need you to stop. You know I will.”

He had a point, a good point. They weren't newlyweds but their union as fresh enough to be new and yet she hadn't felt the same excitement overheard from other women in the congregation gabble over. That, or they too exaggerated their happiness. Meenah took her hands to his shoulders and brought one down his fuzzy chest while the other felt down his back, fingers toying where his muscles overlapped and stretched.  
Kankri's breaths came in anxious, shallow huffs before he forced himself to take in a deep breath and let it out through his nostrils. He moved closer, cupping his hand over Meenah's ass and giving a squeeze. Here in the perfect darkness of their little cottage, Kankri could only imagine the look on Meenah's face. He wanted to ask again if this was okay - his touch hesitated for a moment before it slid down to the back of her thigh, and he hummed under his breath.

“Your hands feel nice.”  
“Has anyone told you that your fingers are a little cold?”  
“It's soothing.”

Similar to his breathing patterns Meenah coordinated her's to his hands searching and something sensitive awoke behind her thighs. Her hips wiggle in place from the unusual sensation. Those cool fingertips bore into his hot flesh and her throat felt tight. Yes they were already wed and she was not a stranger to sexual exchange, but the moment shared appeared taboo...forbidden. The hand coursing down his side stopped right at his hips, where it dipped.

“no one has”  
“your hands are”  
“very strong”  
“I'm good with a scythe.” Kankri's hands smoothed back up Meenah's back, and then he gently pulled away so that he could push on her shoulder. “Why don't you lie on your stomach for a minute?”

The thought alone was exciting. Like getting lost in a new place. Meenah didn't want to think of having her back to him in such a vulnerable position, but what would he do? He's as harmless as fly and it wasn't heresy to lay this way. So she follows his direction so her face rests against a pillow.

“you really are”  
“isn't this kind of sacrilegious?”

Kankri straddled Meenah's thighs, and his palms dug into her aching back and massaged the tension out of her skin. It felt nice, touching her like this for once. Kankri shook his head where she couldn't see it. It was easier when he didn't have to look at her or think about anything other than the sensation of skin on skin.

“No.”  
“What's sacrilegious about this?”

“i”  
“i guess i dunno”  
Meenah would rather not think about it any longer. Her duties as a woman and a wife under the watchful eye of the elders. All she wanted to focus on was the pressure on her shoulders untying years of knots in her back. She sighed pleasurably into the cushion. Weighed down by enough in life, at least this was good.  
“mmmh”  
“are you enjoyin this?”

It felt a little better to be able to enjoy physical intimacy on his own terms. No voice of a spirit, no ache of fear, just...Meenah. He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to the side of Meenah's neck while he resumed his massage. Meenah could probably feel something firm against the back of her thigh.

“I am as long as you are.”  
“I know that we'll get to enjoy plenty of happiness in Paradise, but I sometimes want to be happy here, too.”

Give it to the darkness with no expectation to maintain eye contact or instructional worship in their usual bedroom routine, Meenah felt something. It was something. No longer did his hands melt her aches and sores but soothed something wanting out of its shell. She shut her eyes, his words were her new sermon in this privacy, and she could sense him in more ways than one. A small moist sound when she readjusted her hips.

“ whats happiness on earth..?”  
“ive forgot”

“...Is happiness on Earth even allowed?”  
Kankri lay down on top of Meenah, straddling her, even though it meant that his cock was sacrilegious fitted between her asscheeks. He didn't grind against her, didn't dare to, but he could feel her inviting warmth. He'd never felt invited before. Their usual sessions were so tense and uncomfortable, with Kankri's hands in the sheets and Meenah murmuring prayers under her breath. This was unusually nice.  
Meenah at one point grew accustomed to the sandpaper rub between her thighs with her muted word the only solace until the 10 minutes of worthless rutting was done for the night. She wondered if she’d be obedient enough to go back to that routine after this. Sunk into the sheets with him as her anchor almost weaned her into sleep, if his dick was an ever present reminder of her human desires. She made minuscule movements to situate the tension, but it only got worse. “maybe not”

Kankri could feel the building tension in his lower stomach even with this simple grinding. Why did this feel so much different? What was it that had changed?

Well...

Kankri already knew what had changed. He'd told someone in confidence, sincerely, that he was unhappy. Were those his true feelings? Was he unhappy? It felt dirty to even contemplate anything but bliss in this holy settlement, but here Kankri was, miserable against Meenah. There was something so perverse about it, and when Meenah rocked her hips ever-so-slightly back into his erection, that felt perverse, too.

“Mmh, Meenah…tomorrow, we'll try again, okay?”  
“We can just call it a night.”

She had to push back the rush of her pulse when hearing his voice harmonizing with the song seizing her midsection. Meenah was always in control of her situations in times of punishment and uncertainty, but here she was led astray. Too quickly she tried to squirm out from under him when realization surfaced, the friction coaxed a lonely whimper from her throat. The darkness kept their forlorn faced hidden thankfully.  
“...tomorrow”

Kankri rolled off of her like she was going to burn him if they stayed attached for too long, and he pulled his blanket up over his shoulders and looked away from her, drawing his knees up to his chest.  
“Good night, my love.”  
Meenah noticed her nudity more than ever before and no amount of blanketing could sooth away that vulnerability. Her thoughts were not for relaxation. Hungry. Insatiable. Greedy. She wished to tear into him, wanted her husband dead for making her experience something so tender.  
“goodnight... my love”


	3. Chapter 3

Kankri fell asleep, but it was only because the field work had already exhausted him. His dreams were vague, but none of them were pleasant. Skin, and breasts, and the repeated, frigid stab of the coldest depths of the dark afterlife. When he finally woke up, there was a part of him that was still barely convinced that he was in Hell.

No, no. Kankri was just...here.

He rolled out of bed and straightened.

“Are you ready for this morning, Meenah?”

Normally Meenah in the mornings would greet him with a placid smile and a chiming   
salutation, however she sluggishly lifts to sit up. The morning sun highlighted her nude torso but her eyes glared his way. She still felt that annoying pull to be close and Pandora's box creeked open.

“goodmornin” She mumbled.  
“no im not kankri”

“...Are you feeling unwell, my love?”  
Kankri smoothed a palm over her forehead. “If you need help getting to the morning sermon, I'll be happy to offer it.”  
“We need to go.”

She flinched away from his touch and blinked away her budding and unhappy thoughts first.

“i wish not to go”

“i will not tell a lie this mornin”  
“i can’t face the elders like this”  
“they’ll know”  
“they always do”  
“i can’t believe i let you tempt me…” She hissed under her breath. Meenah didn’t enjoy abiding by the rules yet, when it kept her in good tiding she hated to be on the otherside. 

“...Tempt?”  
“Meenah, we're married.”  
While most people would be hurt, Kankri managed a cool, neutral expression as he pulled on some clothes.  
“Taking a night off to meditate on our familial plans isn't the same thing as succumbing to temptation.”

“meditation”  
“is that what we’re calling it?”  
“you won’t feel the pain i will-” Clutching her arm tightly to her chest she winced at a phantom memory of pain.  
“when they ask if we’ve tried i won’t lie!”  
“you’ll be off with a warnin”

“Then we'll try now.”  
“Quickly, before the sermon.”  
“There are no rules against sex before dark.”

“kan- my love are you out of your mind?”  
“we have 30 minutes”  
Her anger was a plain facade to cover up her worry, like a frightened deer.

Kankri groped at his crotch through his pants and slid them down his hips to show his soft, cut cock. He hated - HATED - being exposed in the light like this, but he hated the idea of Meenah suffering more.

“Let's just get it done, okay? Then we can get on with our lives.”

Meenah refused to look him in the eyes, those were the same that she relayed to him that night. She felt pitiful and she couldn’t put which she hated more: his contempt or her mother’s. Meenah removed the blanket from her body and beckoned before him. Nothing as deserted as usual from last night's thoughts.

Kankri kneeled between Meenah's legs, stroked his penis until it was hard enough, and wordlessly got to work.

When Kankri had sex, he liked to think about the wheat outside. How every season, it grew and fell the same way. How they carefully planned how to rotate their crops so that the soil could heal. The idea that change could be not only benign but necessary for the health of a crop was a captivating one, and sometimes, when Kankri was inside of the silos, with only the Lord as his witness, he leaned against the wall and let himself relax for a while.

Kankri ejaculated within five minutes, a little out of breath, and pulled out just like that, tucking his softening length back into his pants. His mind was still out in the golden fields as he drew away from his wife. He hoped that Heaven was just a long, endless wheat field with no one else around.*

“May we be blessed with a beautiful child, o Lord.”

The sermon was the same as usual. Working was the same as usual - Kankri was put in charge of most of their administrative work until he watered the wheat in the evening, and he barely saw Meenah at all in that time. The issue of a child was brought up with her more than it ever was with him - the nagging sense of anxiety at his honesty kept him from immersing himself properly in anything, and by the time he was settling down in the dark cottage, Kankri was exhausted.

“Was your day pleasant, my love?”

Meenah stood in the kitchen as she always had on beautiful days like this. When few clouds littered the sun’s light and the white in her dress shone brighter in it’s reflection. After each sermon the sexes were separated for personalized prayer, the time she dreaded most. So forth the dreaded question was reared and in her full confidence she gave the elders and her peers her honesty. “A fruitful trial” She wasn’t met with sharpness, blood, bruises or painful thoughts. Meenah bowed her head as she prepared dinner, thankful for a blissful day.

Then why was her stare vacant and the call of his voice yet another echo in an empty room? Meenah turned her head, no smile greeted him. She looked irreparably exhausted, sick even.*

“very my love”  
“are you well?”

“by the virtue of our Lord, I am never better.” Kankri was almost glad to be back, even if it meant more of this discomfort.  
“Did you clean the bedroom and my shirt?”

“yes”  
“i am close to our lord when our home is to his liking”

Meenah staggered in place, her breath a little worse for wear. Had she lost it? She needed silence. Nothing. Not a single thought as she squeezed the dish towel dry.

“...”

it all came out, a symphony of tears right into the sink. wailing like a small child stricken for bad deeds, she crumbled at its edge. “excuse me” She bolted to the bathroom and closed the door behind

Kankri flinched, too, as soon as Meenah cried, and for a moment, he was hit with an overwhelming, all-encompassing fear. What if Meenah was weighed down by his honesty last night? What if this was her body revolting against him? He backed out of the way as soon as   
she hurried off, and then he swayed, pivoted, and rushed out the front door, his heart pounding.

Two followers were out by the silo. The rest of them were all in their cottages, praying and singing. Kankri was exposed like this, and when his breath came in shaky waves, he felt something alongside the agonizing anxiety.

Anger.

Anger at Meenah, at himself, at the elders who'd arranged their marriage. This felt so wrong! Meenah was miserable with him, and it wasn't like Kankri wasn't trying. Plenty of men his age had learned other ways to keep their women in place, but Kankri couldn't abide. When one of the other husbands approached his doorway, Kankri managed to keep on that mask of neutrality and have a pleasant conversation. Yes, the weather was lovely. The sermon had been enlightening. Kankri anticipated the next one.

Kankri didn't even make it back inside from the awful conversation until it was dark out, and he shivered when he stepped in and padded through the darkness. He knocked twice on the bedroom door.

“...Meenah, are you decent?”

The night hid her tear stained face and his knock scared her into submission. There were too many things triggering memories she long then buried and digested into her soul... only to resurface and torment her living body. Meenah held herself tight, knees hugging her chest on the bed’s edge. She didn’t want any more of this. The spell had worn off. Kankri could have let her be punished for their selfish misdeeds the night before, that morning, however he spared her that pain. She wouldn’t call it love but it ridiculed her to think of his kindness.

“i am”

And when the door creaked open and it was just the sound with footsteps terror sieged her.

“i-i’m sorry”  
“it won’t happen again”  
“i’m a good woman i won’t let this happen again kankri”  
“i’ll do whatever you need”

Make up wasn’t allowed but she knew strings were pulled in particular situations. Her peers hid it well, the pain they bore. Meenah didn’t want to be next, she did so well for so long, why now?  
Kankri frowned and shook his head. Part of him wanted to comfort her. More of him wanted to hide somewhere. He took a few shaky steps towards her, reached forward, and smoothed a palm over her cheek.

“Meenah, why are you upset?”  
“You could ruin me, too, if you wanted. You wouldn"t even have to lie to do it.”  
“okay?”  
“You're safe.”

Meenah cries again but with a delicateness of morning mist. And she cleared herself to find comfort in his palm. He’d never lay his hands on her with malice, she knew that...she feared for a day when he might though “i’m not safe...i’m trapped...i’m not even loved”   
“find a new wife please”

“The Lord loves you.” *It sounded hollow even when Kankri said it. He winced at his own words, frowned, and withdrew his palm, looking to the side.*

“I'm sorry, Meenah.”  
“This has all been my fault. I know it has.”  
“I have just as much of a role as you do with conception.”  
“And...I'm failing you.”  
“but...I'm not going to find a new wife, Meenah.”  
“You said it yourself, didn't you?”  
“This wasn't a mistake.”  
“We're together for a reason.”  
“You deserve love and safety.”  
“...”  
“I can promise you safety for as long as we're together.”  
“You have my word.”

“Isnt safety without love prison?”  
“what’ll you do with me when im given up?”  
“soon enough you’ll be brimming and proud when i’m with child”  
“that’s what i can give back to you”  
“it’s all i can give”  
Defeated, she spoke like a lost soul. She knew what her life was from such an early   
age but in her young adult perception she didn’t see a future

“after that i’ll be done”

Kankri sank down with her, shoulder to shoulder, and let out a shuddering sigh. A tear slid down his cheek, but he wiped it quickly.

“We'll have everything we want in paradise.”  
“You, too, Meenah.”  
“My father said it himself: paradise is a little different for everyone. I know you've imagined yours.”  
“What does it look like? What is eternal joy?”

“do you seriously believe that?”  
“is that what your father told you?”Meenah balled her white dress into her fists and suggested a rip but struggled in place “i’ve always envied your life my love”  
“my eternal joy is nothing but endless silence”  
“my mot- high elder never spoke to me about joys” She laughs weakly. “-joys to be for others until my BON-ES AR-E PICK-ED DRY LIK-E A CARCASS”  
Breathlessly, “i’m losin it and she’ll know” 

“kankri go while you can” Meenah stood and tried to maneuver the darkness for the door.

“Meenah, I don't want you to make me happy.”  
“Please, please don't feel compelled to try.”  
“Do you have any idea how long I've wanted to be unhappy?”  
“I know that makes no sense - I must sound out of my mind.”  
“I know you're tired, too.”  
“I don't want to bring a child into a world with a day of reckoning drawing closer.”

“unhappy?”  
“have you ever been happy?”  
“you’ve been my only companion”  
“and i don’t know you”  
“each day gets closer and i start to think the lord will never save me”  
“i was FIN-E before you tempted me”  
“with— with tenderness”  
“when those aren’t your true feelins” Meenah hung her hand in the doors knob hard, a rattle heard from the grip. She could tell, just like he said, find... joy in his torture. Meenah shook her head

“I want to know you, Meenah, but I don't think I even know who I am, sometimes.”  
“Do you know who you are?”  
“My paradise is just an endless field of wheat with nothing on all sides. Yours is nothing, too -”  
“We have that in common, don't we?”  
“Nothing.”  
“Please, tell me we have that in common.”

“my love”  
“why did you spare me this morning?”  
“answer me first”  
“why..?”  
“what do you think of?”  
“who do you think of?”

“Spare you -”  
“Are you talking about our attempt?”

“you were upset”  
“you didn’t have to”

“I didn't want to force you to sin.”  
“I don't want to make you a liar against your will. You deserve better than that.”  
“...I think of my paradise until it's over.”  
“What do you think of?”

“...”  
“i think of” 

the pause was more pregnant than she

“the words of prayer until it’s over”  
“you think you’ve spared me of sin?”  
“last night”

Meenah chewed the side of her lip, “i lusted for you the entire night and i couldn’t sleep”  
“i hated you for it”

“and i still do”

“ ...We could try again.”  
“Not for the baby, necessarily.”  
“For our sakes.”  
“It's okay if we have to do it anyways, right?”  
“We're not in paradise; we're with each other.”

“will you think of me instead of the wheat?”  
“is that enough paradise for us both?”  
“what if the feeling gets worse”

“It won't.” Was that true, or was Kankri just lying to spare them both?  
The sweat on her palm made the metal knob squeak.

“Meenah…”  
“Come back to me.”  
Kankri was already unbuttoning his shirt.

Her breath picked up to hear and she wanted to run more than she ever had. Into his arms or out the door. She took a step forward and the doors shut was her reply “yes kankri”  
The straps of her snowwhite dress fell from her shoulders and the fabric hugged her waist

Kankri shifted to lay back in bed, then, against the headboard.  
“Will you have a seat in my lap?”

Meenah did as she was told, crawling onto the bed until she straddled his hips and sat. She could feel his breath. “like this?”

Kankri huffed a little breath, leaning forward and pressing their foreheads together.  
“...It feels like my heart is about to give out.”  
“Do you feel that, too? Are you scared like I am?”

“terrified” Her entire frame trembled and it teetered her sighs. She put her hand over his chest then back up to where his neck and shoulder met “what will happen to us..?”

“I don't know.”  
“I have to believe that this is okay.”  
“Touching you like this...this is okay, right?” Kankri kissed Meenah's lower lip, soft and fleeting.

He said she was safe here with him, through her outbursts and unruly behavior he maintained that promise. So she kissed him back with an inch of passion and carried her hips flush  
“this is okay”  
“you’re my husband and this is our paradise”

Kankri had to squeeze Meenah close to muffle a sob into her shoulder.  
“Meenah -”  
“Hff, Meenah…”  
“This feels so good -”

He felt up Meenah's back and back down, squeezing her tight and grinding into her. Why was he so excited by this now? He was crying, for heavens' sake.  
“Touch my chest, or anywhere you want, hff.”

This was her true eternal joy. The wild freeness, a simple and effervescent emotion, the need in his hips that ebbed right into her to moan. It’s the first he’d hear a sweet sound compared to when they’d till the soil on a hot day. Her idle hands busied with his bare skin, the areas of soft skin in contrast to the firm muscle. Her blunt nails dug down his sides “this.. this”  
“and, and there”  
“i can’t think”

“Nnhh.”  
It was so decadent. Kankri had never seen the ocean, but this was what he imagined it felt like, with heavy, buffeting waves of pleasure and sensation warming him from the inside out. He gulped and unbuttoned his pants, pulling them down to expose his cock.

“Meenah, I want you.”

Hearing his admission to his inhibitions hurled rocks at her inner foundation. Her dress was the only object hindering the smallest bit of light to show her excitement, and it was shrugged off in a few fumbling actions. Meenah could feel the firmness against her stomach, and her arousal leaked down her supple thighs. The hands on his form tremor from the anxiety and excitement coagulating into an exhilarating emotion. 

The secrecy between the two, Meenah recited his words back in a breathless prayer.

“kankri...i want you”

Oh, no. This wasn't good for either of them. It wasn't holy. Women were supposed to do their own tasks, and men were supposed to do theirs - sure, there was love between the sexes, but this felt so dangerously close to something real. Like he wasn't just engaging with a necessary marital chore.

“The - ah…” He couldn't say 'the Lord wouldn't approve of this' out loud and ruin this moment. For once, he put his love over his faith.

As they strove down the path of blasphemy on such a quiet night, Meenah took the reins and kissed him. She being the one to spring forth the affection gave her a new kind of power in the powerless structure upheld outside their bed. Her fingers continued fondling his chest, fuzzy in an endearing way and just as warm. Inviting. Alluring. Wanting. The words wind down her mind like an endless staircase with each stair step a degree her cheeks heated, and before Meenah realized it she had situated his length between her dripping nethers. Nothing along the lines of penetration yet dangerously close. She subsides her kissing to starve herself a moment to level headedness that never arrived. “...do it already” She commanded with little confidence, more than usual however.


	4. Chapter 4

Kankri said nothing, but he succumbed to the urges that were aching inside of him without another word. Feeling over skin that otherwise would be forbidden territory and committing the soft sensation to memory. He aids their mutual hunger and lets the tip of his length tease between the seam of his wife’s folds. Kankri sucks back air as his head swims from that singular contact point. He panted in his wife's ear - in his love's ear - and filled her. Completed her, hopefully, in a way that even compared to the way she was completing him. “You're wet.”  
He said in a low murmur, his eyes closed for a moment as he breathed in Meenah's warm skin. His heart was starting to ache in his chest and loins alike. Finally, amidst the pomp and circumstance that was foreplay, he situated his mouth at her collarbone as he slowly fit the remaining inches. Meenah gasped. Why was this so different? “I...I think that might be a good thing. Does this feel good?”  
She wished he hadn't narrated the exactness of her nature, but in doing so it made the evident moisture increase by the note of his voice. Meenah centered her breathing, she wouldn't get lost in simple pleasure- that's what aimless copulation was, aimless without a goal and frivolous indulgence of the flesh. Regardless, her body reciprocated and tightly hugged around what awakened her.  
“Mhm” A nod as she held her breath.

Before he began kankri panted a little and pressed his lips to Meenah's temple, and for a minute, they just shared breath together. Their bodies pressed flush and their hearts drum a harmony as one. He held on tight as if she’d fade from his arms and she reciprocated, impatiently squirming against his lap. Meenah had never wanted, nor needed much when these moments struck and now... her body begged for friction. Similarly, Kankri answered her noticeable prayers by inflicting his hips to carry out a slow roll. Her voice is what turns him, flips the machinations in his mind inside out and forego the previous guilt rife in his veins. His hands polish down her sides and grip desperately to those hips that shaped her morning dress so well. Before Meenah reasoned where the ceiling was in their dimly lit bedroom, her back met the sheets with her beloved beckoned over. For once she understood the apogee of lust, it swirled in his breath and illuminated his eyes. Meenah hugged his waist with either thigh until he was trapped in the mess they’d created. Kankri shivered. Night had settled. Their cottage home fortunate to be located far enough to ignite little curiosity, he still feared that her cries would be heard. Thus, Kankri engulfed her lips with a passion right before he’d insatiably rock into her. His mode of quieting worked for a time until it didn’t, Meenah was loud. It being his outright fault, each and every moan he wanted to drown in. He’d double his efforts to hear it. She felt herself be parted in a fashion that satisfies an emptiness. Her legs trembling, face hot and gasping for breath. The very first time having been doused in pure pleasure.

The next hour was better than Kankri could describe, just a wordless exchange of passion and texture, and when Kankri fell asleep beside her afterward, he fell asleep watching her expression. He'd never seen her so calm.

To say that the events of that night were a blur was to lie, but Kankri certainly didn't talk about it when morning came. He woke first, his palm smoothing over Meenah's sternum, up past her collarbone, and onto her cheek. She was still asleep - she tended to be more awake in the evening - but Kankri still couldn't stop looking at her.

“beautiful.” Kankri's voice was a low whisper of affection.

The scarcity of the sun's rays beamed through their window and although its warmth would have roused her from rest normally, Meenah enjoyed keeping her eyes shut and resting. A kind of rest that was plentiful and not just another reset for the next grueling day. Several minutes ellipse before she stretched her legs out and found the newly sore areas, her eyes partially open to see herself in his arms. What an interesting way to wake up. New. Her voice was gruff and she didn't bother with formalities for once. “what time is it?”

“It's around six thirty. The sermon isn't for another half hour.”  
Kankri kissed Meenah's forehead, and then he sat up, stretching his arms over his head. His muscles felt sore, but for once, he felt well rested. His dreams had been unlike his usual hellish nightmares, but they had been vivid. Could it have been Meenah that influenced his unconscious psyche? “Did you sleep well, my love?”  
Meenah's eyes remained stationed at one corner of the room as she thought, what that time meant and what could be done in 30 minutes. More than enough to wash up, prepare a quick morning meal, and head off to their respected position with time to spare. Although well aware of her usual routine, Meenah didn't want to move away from his frame. An arm coiled around his upper torso until her hand hung on his shoulder “mh”  
“did you?...my love?” Something about it felt oddly heavy on her tongue.

“My dreams felt different tonight. I'll not regale you with the specifics, but...they were nothing like the usual ones, of that much I can assure you.” He replies, “You haven't told me of yours, though. I like to know how you're feeling, Meenah. *He adjusted her cap for her, tucking in a few baby hairs.”  
Contempt became commonplace in her sights and how she'd pay her attention to others, but as Kankri spoke in such gentleness with his intimate gestures outside of their nightly exchange, filled her vision with tenderness  
“Im sure were both feelin more sore than normal”  
“So im...feelin warm?”  
Meenah shifts slightly, “sleepin so close isnt a habit with us…” She took a breath. “its wrong,but id rather lay here...than get up”

“...” He paused in thought, “How about I make breakfast this morning?” Kankri slid out of bed slowly, stretching again.

A unique pang hit her chest and she pressed her mind to it longer than she'd like. She didn't WANT him to get up, she wanted to continue laying in the luscious moment of closeness and ruffled sheets. His unruly bed head still looked kept even before his brushing. Meenah sat up a degree and reached for her frames. “and i wait?”  
“theres somethin we needa talk about kankri”

He swallowed. “We're still doing this for the purpose of our child. There's nothing wrong with that.”  
“We did it in a normal enough position after a while.”

“Yea… a while” She pulls at some of the hairs edging her face, just above where her jaw met her ear, “it won't be the same after that. we both know it”  
It's more so that she's speaking to herself. Like a conversation, one has in the mirror, and she holds herself feeling subconscious shame.

“Maybe that's a good thing.  
Change is a necessary part of our growth, Meenah. It only makes sense that we experience change for this union, too - the world isn't going to be the same when the day of revelation comes, either, which is something that we look forward to” The grip she had on her arm loosens as she listens to his words, he's always been so convincing even if it did tend to drone for better or worse.

Meenah cleared her throat.“there isnt much of the world that ive seen”  
“So, for right now ill put my trust in you, my love”  
“-at least we can see what happens durin the solstice”What she can see out from between the blinds is a warm sun that barely shoos away the dwindling night, and the morning dew even smells from inside.

“Hopefully, you'll already be with child by that point, and we won't have to suffer a baby's absence for a month.”

“hopefully”  
“when the elders' confirmation we wont have to do anythin else”  
“sounds nice” Meenah looks to him while she gave her stomach a solemn pat. Then shuffled off the other side of the bed and stood to find her sermon wear.

Kankri dressed quickly, and by the time that Meenah was ready, he'd prepared them both bowls of oatmeal with fried eggs on top. He held out Meenah's. “Here, eat. You need to keep your strength up.” As he avoided her question it spoke enough to her senses to piece what she could think his response would be. Meenah met him in the kitchen in her pristinely draped white dress, and took the bowl. It was still a little hot but she paid no mind and broke the yolk.

“thank you, can't remember the last time you cooked”

“I don't usually have a reason to. You always take control of the kitchen before I have a chance to - Not that I'm complaining, of course.”Kankri seems to at least be feeling normal again, which is more morally defensible than the carnal passion he was showing last night. He combs through his hair with one hand and eats quickly with the other, finally tilting the bowl back to swallow the last gulp of oatmeal and rinsing it off in the sink.  
“I hope you have a good day today, my love. I'll see you after the fieldwork is done this evening?”

Meenah occupied herself with the aesthetics of the bowl first before she took on eating it. The job of cooking and maintaining the home was her's, yes she knew that very well but such a humble bowl of desultory breakfast items put a smile on her face. Meenah was more or less finished by the time he was gearing to leave but she caught right before he could pass into the outside. Her hand took the back of his shirt. She said nothing for a moment.

“we wont be seeing each other for awhile...can-” This was the worst and it killed her otherwise apt sensibilities. It hurt to push out, “we kiss?” Her cheeks caught fire and luckily for the depth of her complexion it didnt show too fiercely, embarrassing.

Kankri didn't comment on it at all, but he did lean forward and give Meenah a chaste, slow kiss on the lips before he parted, looking into her eyes for a moment too long.  
“I look forward to seeing you again, my love.” And with that, Kankri parted from his wife, turned, and left for the men's sermon. He didn't once look back towards her, nor did he acknowledge the heresy of looking forward to his wife when he should've been looking forward to the sermon.  
She found herself longing for more than she should have excused herself to. Instead of a reasonable amount, the moist caress of his lips pricked at the back of her mind like a splinter. The sun enveloped his back until his silhouette was gone and she gave herself a few fleeting minutes to convene. Meenah indulged in a feeling she once suffocated, greed. She didn't want him out of her sight. Alas, her sermon didn't allow his picture to grace her eyes. Rather the dimly lit space echoed with her footsteps and the other women bowed their heads when she stepped down the aisle to take a seat at the front.

“Good morning Meenah.” Aranea greeted  
“good mornin” Meenah replied.

“Our lord 8lesses us once more with another day.”

“Yes”

“I hope you take no offense 8ut you look worn. Has there 8een a trial you'd like to confide to us?”

“everything is good as it always has and will be aranea”

Aranea's hand laid on Meenah’s lower back, barely comforting before it was retracted.  
Her expression didn't change from the gentle, knowing smile. She and Meenah were around the same age - by some biblical definitions, they were sisters, even - and Aranea seemed unaffected by Meenah's curt response. “Struggles are a natural part of any developing marriage. Cronus and I overcame personal hardships that Ms. Feferi helped guide me through. Your own mother will know 8etter than anyone what motherhood can entail.”

That was the last thing Meenah wanted to stomach imagining, her own marriage was a rollercoaster let alone Aranea's. She looked happy no less, but that woman was never caught on a bad day if she could surmount what a bad day was. Cronus must have treated her well. Though the times Meenah inferred from Kankri's expression after a happenstance conversation with him, maybe it wasn't.  
“i am dearly happy you were graced with a healthy child.” Before she can plaster a halfhearted smile the bell rang. A large ring filled the space and filtered out an other sound besides a deep reverb. Her mother had arrived.

Every step that Feferi took came with a certain amount of gravity. The meeting area was small - a single room with a simple elevated wooden platform devoted to speakers (usually Feferi). The men's area was slightly larger, but not by a huge margin. The most dazzling building, naturally, was reserved for the Lord who preferred to work in solitude. Feferi was the spitting image of her daughter; it was safe to assume that as Meenah aged, the resemblance would only grow. The cloth keeping her multitudes of braids in place bore the traditional colors of the Lord, matching the meticulously-stitched cloak draped over her shoulders.

She tapped her fingers on the bell to stop its shrill reverberation through the area, and she brightly addressed the room with a wide smile on her face. Feferi was the pinnacle of gentle, obedient femininity by this point.  
“Good morning, disciples! We have a SP-ECIAL sermon today, delivered unto us directly from the writings of our Lord. -Everyone, take out your notebooks and prepare to write. As we draw closer to the Solstice, we are closer than ever to the holy warmth that eclipses our Lord every day. Bask in that warmth and let it guide you down the path of divine righteousness.”

Silence, save for the sounds of shuffling papers.  
“With the Solstice approaching, it's more vital now than ever that we provide holy warmth to the community around us. Meenah, have you been showing warmth to your husband”

Having been singled out added a salt to the wound of whatever stresses strangled in her mind. A mother's gentle tongue shouldn't lash such harmful strings of connotation, and yet each day it all recognized the same. Meenah's hands were clasped in her lap, wrung to the point of pale knuckles while her smile brimmed into a practiced placidity. "..." She needed that breath. Steel what she could from the suffocation the room wrought. "Yes and always Mother. My faith never falters."

“I am SO proud!” Feferi opened her own notebook, set it on the podium, and began to read aloud. “We can all rejoice in the long summer days gifted to us by our Lord. Nowhere else on the planet does wheat produce so generously, does the sunshine so brightly, does the rain fall so consistently, and for the Lord's generosity, we are all grateful. Our devoted service brings our Lord to new heights, and our men's tireless efforts bring us all to salvation. The Lord revealed unto us the importance of this solstice, commemorating the anniversary of )(is first revelation.

Now, more than ever, our men must unify with the pilgrims and provide a foundation of faith that stretches out globally. We, their wives and mothers, must accommodate and aid them. The world of nonbelievers is harsh and unforgiving; even interacting with pilgrims, you can feel the weariness that comes with worldly people and pastimes. Men work hard to protect us. We must work hard to serve them in turn.”

Feferi kept glancing at her daughter, her eyes crinkling with a sincere affection, or a close approximation. The sermon was long, and Feferi only paused to allow her disciples to write or recite. By noon, all of the women rose - though Feferi raised a hand. “Meenah, stay behind. You can join your sisters later.”

She was just about to lift from her seat, exit and let the day wash away like all the others. Luckily most of the 'sisters' had traveled out of visible view where meenah flinched at Feferi's raised hand. She couldn't bare match her eyes though it's what was expected of her. A battle between defiance and the easy way out- lest she return to her husband with something to hide, Meenah tilts her head up enough to at least mimic attention. Had she made herself obvious that her thoughts were occupied with Kankri than the Lord? Did her mother notice the wayward stare she acquired whenever their wheat field became a simile? Meenah prayed that she didn't.

"Yes?"  
a step forward, and barely one at that. the room spun and swirled. she didnt want to move she didnt want to think for fear that her actions would be dissected just like her thoughts. meenah grit her teeth quietly at the discomfort.

“)(ave you been having any luck? The month of revelation is almost upon us with the start of the Solstice. You don't have much time to conceive.” Feferi smiles, and from under her modest pulpit, she pulls out a little blue box filled with cheap, plastic pregnancy tests.

“These are a shameful worldly crutch. The Lord gave me special clearance to bring them into our sacred space, all for your sake.  
You'll take one every other day and tell me whether you see one line or two.”

This was horrible. The wretched woman. Meenah knew what a pregnancy test was- or at least had read about it briefly. The device looked similar to her assumptions but it still was new enough to catch her attention to passively analyze. Reluctantly she travels up to meet her mother properly and rather than extend to take the object, cups her hands. It's proper to wait for things to drop into your hands than to take them. That's what Feferi would say, she thought.  
“yes mother” She swallowed her anger, “i...understand.”


End file.
